Um. Hello. Cough cough. None of you may remember me, but about four months back, I started this here modest little blog. I believe the last entry was the day before I left for Israel. And where am I writing this from? If you answered Cafe Fahza, on the corner of Palmach and Mizva Qadesh, get yourself a cookie and pat yourself on the back for your amazing psychic skills. Yes, I am in Jerusalem, Pardes has started (I am less then enthusiastic at this point, a fact which I promise to belabor ad naeseum), I'm not a nanny any more (thank the good Lord above), I have clearly just found an excellent cafe with free internet (I'm getting a laptop over Sukkot, thanks to the generosity of the parental units), and I'm living and knitting here in Katamon.
It's been 4 months. 1/3 of a year. I am no closer to so many of the goals I set for myself, which would either lead one to the conclusion that one's life is fucked and hopelessly mired in mediocrity, or that said goals were unattainable and wrong-headed in the first place. I've been visiting both places in the past few weeks. Elul has got me all het-up; I'm so looking forward to just getting the holidays behind me, and truth be told, I'm dreading the yomtif, just really not looking forward to them at all. My sage mother points out that this is because I'm trying to control too much and can't relax enough to let what needs to happen happen, but I tell her to shut up and go fix me another drink whenever she gets too uppity, and that fixes everything.
Just kidding. She's very right, I am very not in control and trying to hard to be in control, and Elul, at some basic level, is about returing control of your life and fate to HaKodesh Baruch Hu. Which is some scary shit, yo. And I just don't know how to go about doing that right not, since it feels like my life keeps veering in and out of focus. I'm also not super-thrilled about where I'm davening. I like the minyan--a nice, hippie-ish egal minyan--but I am undecided how I feel about egal davening, especially on the high holidays, when I need to focus and not concentrate on the cute rabbinical student who leads a fierce Lecha Dodi. (Especially since I sort of made a tit out of myself after a few too many l'chaims last night. And sort of asked him out. And he's sort of going out with somebody. Why do I think that ballsiness will ever pay off for me???) Seperate davening, say what you will about egalitarianism, at least forces me to focus on examining all the married women's head coverings and how they get their scarves to go like that...um, I mean, my kavanah. I am beginning to get to the beginning of being able to pray with some kind of focus and kavanah, and it's much stronger when I can focus without thinking about the marital prospects next to me. And also, I am a sucker for good singing. Give me a good Carlebach service and I am a happy little Jew.
Ah, it's good to be writing again! And knitting again; after a too-long hiatus, I've been working slowly on a series of socks (love the KnitPicks merino, btw, so lush) and a possibly-screwed from the start One Skein Wonder. I'm putting in a lace panel down the back, and am not really sure how to account for the constant increasing and keep the lace pattern true. At the very least, knitting has offered me one way to make connections at Pardes, and a craft night will be starting up after the chagim are (finally, I know I shouldn't say that, but finally) over. A catchy, possibly pun-based title will be on its way soon, undoubtedly.
I also want to bless all of you, any of you, with the blessing that you should have all the blessings. It may seem simple, but my teacher brought us a story the other day of a rabbi who, when busy and trying to get from place to place, gave a poor beggar woman a small, dinky little blessing, a blessing that wasn't meant and wasn't heartfelt and was just basically condescending. (Clearly, I am paraphrasing the original Hasidic story just a wee bit. You get the point.) HaKodesh Baruch Hu and the angels up in heaven were so outraged at the general weeniness of the blessing, that they excommunicated the rabbi for three weeks, until he could bring his heart to his blessings. So, for all of you out there, may you bless and be blessed in equal measure. May you receive the wishes of your heart, may you bring happiness to the world, and may this year be a year of joy and light for all of you and your loved ones. Shana tova u'metuka!
Glad to see you are still alive! Still hoping to meet you. Will the craft night be open to Pardes alums?
If you are ever looking for an un-inspiring anti-Carlebach non-egal minyan with no eligible young guys you are welcome to our shul :)
Be well, and try to get to our SnB once we start up again! Shana Tova
Posted by: Safranit | October 01, 2005 at 11:29 PM
Okay, I'm very ashamed to say that I never commented on this the first time around. I'm not sure why -- I must have read it when I was in a hurry or something. But I'm commenting now to say: where are you? I thought you were back! I miss your blog. I have even resorted to flattering you over on my own blog in hopes of getting you to come back.
I hope everything is going well for you.
Posted by: Rachel | October 30, 2005 at 07:06 AM